It will come as no surprise to the people that know me best that my New Year's Post is being published in March as opposed to, oh, I don't know... January? Although to be fair, this really isn't a New Year's Post, it is simply the first post of the new year and I'm not going to post resolutions in the traditional sense, but rather ask a question or two.
Do you ever feel like you just need to shake things up a bit? Or a lot? This is how I feel right now, like my life is racing by and in the end nothing of note will have happened, no great adventures or grand accomplishments. On the one hand, I realize this sounds a bit silly and grandiose. After all, I am just a normal person living a normal life. But on the other, I think about those who have accomplished great things, made a difference in the world and I think, they were also just normal people but somewhere along the way they dreamed bigger dreams, hatched bigger plans, and took bigger risks. Right? And then the inevitable doubts begin to rear their ugly heads and scream out in their terrible voices, "Who do you think you are? You're just Iris from San Antonio who still hasn't walked the stage at UTSA even though you've earned your BA- for no reason other than you just haven't gotten around to it! And you think you can do something of note? Please, you're just trying to make it through each day! You have to take pain medication just to be able to get out of bed in the morning and try to maintain this house, much less do anything else- anything extra, anything that might give a sense of accomplishment or value..." And on and on, my inner critics have a field day at my expense reminding me of past failures, physical limitations, unfinished projects, neglected dreams, current incompetence.
And yet, I find that I am tired of listening to them and deferring to their opinions. So I am making a list. Not a list of all the Awe-Inspiring things I will do, but rather a list of the things I won't do anymore so that I can proceed to do something, anything Awe-Inspiring.
What follows is my Not To Do List:
1. I will not let fear dictate my decisions.
2. I will not let the possibility of failure keep me from attempting something.
3. I will not surround myself with people that do not want the best for me.
4. I will not read every single email.
5. I will not let the desire for perfection override the desire to get it done.
6. I will not continue not asking for help.
7. I will not define myself by my current circumstances.
8. I will not waste what precious time I have left on this earth with regrets.
9. I will not let another day go by without giving thanks for all the many blessings I have been given.
10. I will not spend another minute making excuses or feeling sorry for myself.
There. These ten things I resolve not to do. This list will go on a board in my bedroom so that I can see it first thing every morning. I will also post this next to the television, the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, in my daily notebook, in my car, in my studio and guest bedroom and anywhere else my eyes land on a regular basis. Perhaps I can put it on a t-shirt for Stella to wear. Hmmm... I'll have to think about that one. No matter. I will remind myself daily of these resolutions and as I do them over and over, I think I will set upon a path that leads towards at least one great accomplishment. And if not, well at least I will have ceased driving myself crazy and I'm sure I'll be much better company.
xoxo, Iris
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
(Insert clever title here)
I just read my last post. And the comments left. It made me sniffle-ey. (is that how you spell sniffle?) Who knows?
Well, many, many things have happened since I last wrote. And since I am the type of personality that cannot tell you about today unless you know about yesterday, I will put these varied and important events in a very small nutshell for you- in the form of a list. Yay, lists!
Things that have happened since my last post- not in strictly chronological order:
1. I just read through my posts going through January and have concluded I'm a huge dork.
2. I'm okay with number one.
3. I've had another umpteen million doctors/ specialists/ therapists visits and have become quite friendly with the receptionists and nurses.
4. My mom and I heard about qigong and how people have made dramatic changes in their health by practicing on a regular basis.
5. We went to Colorado and met with a master to learn techniques, exercises and meditations.
6. I started acupuncture after a particularly discouraging visit with my hand surgeon.
7. After 3 weeks of acupuncture and Chinese herbs and qigong practice (and staying on all my meds, of course), the necrosis seemed to stop spreading.
8. Three weeks after that, there's new tissue being formed and less pain.
9. I've stopped taking almost all my pain medicine.
10. My right index finger finally healed (it took 6 months instead of 6 weeks, but i'll take it).
11. I went to Key West (and ended up in a clinic with an infection, ugh!) and chilled like a rock star for a week or so.
12. I have confirmed I have the most amazing parents the world over.
13. I read the entire Twilight saga again in preparation for the movie, Eclipse. I'm still smitten.
14. My house is gradually being filled with all the art I've been acquiring since... well, since forever and it looks like real people live here.
15. My puppy continues to grow like a weed- a very large, strong weed. She's about 11 months and 95 pounds. (she has 7 more growing months)
16. The boy continues his campaign for sainthood by being understanding (and silent) while I occasionally have complete meltdowns and act completely irrational and yell at him for being logical. This happened recently.
17. My sweet little ride- the '95 Maxima- is finally being retired.... with 195,000+ miles on the odometer. It is being replaced with another Nissan- hey, I'm loyal, okay?- that will better accommodate my pony. Oh, I mean dog- an suv to better accommodate my dog.
18. I have rediscovered my love of music.
19. I have reconnected with some old friends and I'm so thankful they found me.
20. I have determined an acceptable alternate life path would have been to major in English due to my love of reading, writing, words and the English language.
So that's what I can think of right now. I won't promise to post tomorrow, for that is the surest way to guarantee an extended absence. So... I'll see when I see you.
xoxoxo
Oh, and I love you all, Nyssa, Jaime, Cristalynn, and Lyn. You fill me up. Thank you.
Well, many, many things have happened since I last wrote. And since I am the type of personality that cannot tell you about today unless you know about yesterday, I will put these varied and important events in a very small nutshell for you- in the form of a list. Yay, lists!
Things that have happened since my last post- not in strictly chronological order:
1. I just read through my posts going through January and have concluded I'm a huge dork.
2. I'm okay with number one.
3. I've had another umpteen million doctors/ specialists/ therapists visits and have become quite friendly with the receptionists and nurses.
4. My mom and I heard about qigong and how people have made dramatic changes in their health by practicing on a regular basis.
5. We went to Colorado and met with a master to learn techniques, exercises and meditations.
6. I started acupuncture after a particularly discouraging visit with my hand surgeon.
7. After 3 weeks of acupuncture and Chinese herbs and qigong practice (and staying on all my meds, of course), the necrosis seemed to stop spreading.
8. Three weeks after that, there's new tissue being formed and less pain.
9. I've stopped taking almost all my pain medicine.
10. My right index finger finally healed (it took 6 months instead of 6 weeks, but i'll take it).
11. I went to Key West (and ended up in a clinic with an infection, ugh!) and chilled like a rock star for a week or so.
12. I have confirmed I have the most amazing parents the world over.
13. I read the entire Twilight saga again in preparation for the movie, Eclipse. I'm still smitten.
14. My house is gradually being filled with all the art I've been acquiring since... well, since forever and it looks like real people live here.
15. My puppy continues to grow like a weed- a very large, strong weed. She's about 11 months and 95 pounds. (she has 7 more growing months)
16. The boy continues his campaign for sainthood by being understanding (and silent) while I occasionally have complete meltdowns and act completely irrational and yell at him for being logical. This happened recently.
17. My sweet little ride- the '95 Maxima- is finally being retired.... with 195,000+ miles on the odometer. It is being replaced with another Nissan- hey, I'm loyal, okay?- that will better accommodate my pony. Oh, I mean dog- an suv to better accommodate my dog.
18. I have rediscovered my love of music.
19. I have reconnected with some old friends and I'm so thankful they found me.
20. I have determined an acceptable alternate life path would have been to major in English due to my love of reading, writing, words and the English language.
So that's what I can think of right now. I won't promise to post tomorrow, for that is the surest way to guarantee an extended absence. So... I'll see when I see you.
xoxoxo
Oh, and I love you all, Nyssa, Jaime, Cristalynn, and Lyn. You fill me up. Thank you.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Let it flow
Hi Everyone,
I'm feeling very emotional right now, so this probably isn't the best time to post, but I've been waiting for the right time to post since March and we can see how well that went. I'm emotional because it's been a long week full of therapy (for my hands) and doctors and not-so-good news about my "condition". And I'm tired. I'm so tired of being sick. I just want to be normal again. I want my hands to feel warm and strong instead of painful and weak. I suppose I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. And scared. I'm scared I won't ever get better. That this is how it will always be- everything revolving around the current health crisis and all the doctors and treatments that we're hoping will work. And I'm scared that at some point the people I love will get tired of all this just like I do and will begin to fade away into the names of people I "used to know".
So this is real. This is the real me. No front of endless optimism and strength and self reliance. Although most of the time I am filled with faith and hope and gratitude that I have wonderful doctors and medical professionals treating me and amazing family and friends that support me and pray for me, right now I feel very small and scared. And that's so hard to admit. But it's the truth. A friend, a dear friend, told me that I need to be more open with my heart and emotions and that will help me heal on the inside and the outside. So this is me trying. Trying to be honest and open about the parts of me that I don't let others see. I know it is possible for my body to heal itself- I know it deep down in my heart- and will pursue every avenue that can aid in that healing... including sharing my emotions, if that is on the pathway to good health. Having said that, my intention isn't for this blog to become my own personal pity party, but perhaps I will share more of the spectrum of emotions I'm going through. I'm not sure what that will accomplish, but maybe someone will read my words and realize they're not alone, or maybe my friends will feel better connected to me, or maybe it will just allow me to feel lighter without carrying around extra negativity. Who knows? Either way, someone will benefit. I'm sure of it.
As for an update on my life, I go to hyperbaric therapy everyday for 3-4 hours. I had another surgery last week, this time on my left hand. This time I have 3 new scars- one's even zig-zag. Kinda cool. Unfortunately, once the doctor opened up my palm he realized there was not much he could do because I just have so few and such small blood vessels in my hands. Surgically he's done all he can besides removing the finger (because it's causing so much pain). The rhuematologist has changed my medicine in an effort to improve the circulation and hopefully keep the necrosis from spreading more and me losing my finger- or a bigger part of it. I hope that it works.
Alright, I must retire for the evening. More tomorrow.
xoxo
I'm feeling very emotional right now, so this probably isn't the best time to post, but I've been waiting for the right time to post since March and we can see how well that went. I'm emotional because it's been a long week full of therapy (for my hands) and doctors and not-so-good news about my "condition". And I'm tired. I'm so tired of being sick. I just want to be normal again. I want my hands to feel warm and strong instead of painful and weak. I suppose I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. And scared. I'm scared I won't ever get better. That this is how it will always be- everything revolving around the current health crisis and all the doctors and treatments that we're hoping will work. And I'm scared that at some point the people I love will get tired of all this just like I do and will begin to fade away into the names of people I "used to know".
So this is real. This is the real me. No front of endless optimism and strength and self reliance. Although most of the time I am filled with faith and hope and gratitude that I have wonderful doctors and medical professionals treating me and amazing family and friends that support me and pray for me, right now I feel very small and scared. And that's so hard to admit. But it's the truth. A friend, a dear friend, told me that I need to be more open with my heart and emotions and that will help me heal on the inside and the outside. So this is me trying. Trying to be honest and open about the parts of me that I don't let others see. I know it is possible for my body to heal itself- I know it deep down in my heart- and will pursue every avenue that can aid in that healing... including sharing my emotions, if that is on the pathway to good health. Having said that, my intention isn't for this blog to become my own personal pity party, but perhaps I will share more of the spectrum of emotions I'm going through. I'm not sure what that will accomplish, but maybe someone will read my words and realize they're not alone, or maybe my friends will feel better connected to me, or maybe it will just allow me to feel lighter without carrying around extra negativity. Who knows? Either way, someone will benefit. I'm sure of it.
As for an update on my life, I go to hyperbaric therapy everyday for 3-4 hours. I had another surgery last week, this time on my left hand. This time I have 3 new scars- one's even zig-zag. Kinda cool. Unfortunately, once the doctor opened up my palm he realized there was not much he could do because I just have so few and such small blood vessels in my hands. Surgically he's done all he can besides removing the finger (because it's causing so much pain). The rhuematologist has changed my medicine in an effort to improve the circulation and hopefully keep the necrosis from spreading more and me losing my finger- or a bigger part of it. I hope that it works.
Alright, I must retire for the evening. More tomorrow.
xoxo
Friday, March 5, 2010
New Stuffs a'Comin!
So much to share with you guys!
I really do love having my blog, so I'm going to recommit to posting regularly. So coming attractions will be some pics from Costa Rica, Vegas, the Art and Soul classes, updates on my hand- I think I'm finally ready to share what it looks like, New Projects, New Art Acquisitions, Stella "the Beast" Gonyea-Lee, and much more! Are you excited yet? I know you are, I can feel it. I need to make myself presentable because I think the boy will be home early and I've been doing housework all morning, and -bless his heart, he's endured enough days of unwashed hair, no-makeup, and pajamas to last awhile, I think.
In the meantime, here's a pic of Stella pooped after a day at Camp Bow Wow- she's so cute!- and the new short finger, Frankie. My hand looks pretty normal now that the scars from surgery are healed and the stitches are out. There's still a scab on the end of my finger, but that will take time to fall off little by little- still a little gross looking. But this is night and day compared to my hand right after surgery (very Frankensteinish), maybe one day I'll share those pics if anyone actually wants to see them.
Be back soon!
xoxoxo
I really do love having my blog, so I'm going to recommit to posting regularly. So coming attractions will be some pics from Costa Rica, Vegas, the Art and Soul classes, updates on my hand- I think I'm finally ready to share what it looks like, New Projects, New Art Acquisitions, Stella "the Beast" Gonyea-Lee, and much more! Are you excited yet? I know you are, I can feel it. I need to make myself presentable because I think the boy will be home early and I've been doing housework all morning, and -bless his heart, he's endured enough days of unwashed hair, no-makeup, and pajamas to last awhile, I think.
In the meantime, here's a pic of Stella pooped after a day at Camp Bow Wow- she's so cute!- and the new short finger, Frankie. My hand looks pretty normal now that the scars from surgery are healed and the stitches are out. There's still a scab on the end of my finger, but that will take time to fall off little by little- still a little gross looking. But this is night and day compared to my hand right after surgery (very Frankensteinish), maybe one day I'll share those pics if anyone actually wants to see them.
Be back soon!xoxoxo
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Costa Rica or bust!
It's already February! What the heck? Well, they say distance makes the heart grow fonder so I'm just going to assume you guys are really happy to see a new post from me. No? Oh well.
So this past month has been... hmmm.... a bit of a rollercoaster. Some days are good, some aren't. Some days are marked by relentless pain, others by nausea, and others by so much exhaustion that I literally sleep for 20 hours out of the day. And then some days, for a few hours, I feel almost a little bit normal. And it's during those times that I think okay, we're making progress. In fact, today I'm going to pack my bags for a little trip to Costa Rica! The boy and I will be basking in glorious sunshine and 93 degree weather. I can't wait to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. This is an incentive trip through his company and I've been with him on every one he's ever earned, so I just couldn't bear to miss it. I know I won't be able to participate in most of the activities and socializing but I figure if I'm going to resting most of the day, then at least I can do it somewhere warm. Not to mention, that my mom needs a break from taking care of me, poor thing! Hopefully I'll come back with some great pictures to share that will inspire feelings of warmth and sunshine to help us get through the rest of winter.
Gotta go get ready for a doctor's appointment, but I think I'll take my laptop and post from Costa Rica since I'll probably be spending a good amount of time on my own. I want to take advantage of the time away from home to clear my head and examine my goals for this coming year and create some journal pages to illustrate them. So, here's looking forward to having lots of pretties to share. We all need a bit of pretty during these dull, cold months. And I don't even live somewhere cold, like Minnesota or Wisconsin. Ugh, I can't imagine!
So this past month has been... hmmm.... a bit of a rollercoaster. Some days are good, some aren't. Some days are marked by relentless pain, others by nausea, and others by so much exhaustion that I literally sleep for 20 hours out of the day. And then some days, for a few hours, I feel almost a little bit normal. And it's during those times that I think okay, we're making progress. In fact, today I'm going to pack my bags for a little trip to Costa Rica! The boy and I will be basking in glorious sunshine and 93 degree weather. I can't wait to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. This is an incentive trip through his company and I've been with him on every one he's ever earned, so I just couldn't bear to miss it. I know I won't be able to participate in most of the activities and socializing but I figure if I'm going to resting most of the day, then at least I can do it somewhere warm. Not to mention, that my mom needs a break from taking care of me, poor thing! Hopefully I'll come back with some great pictures to share that will inspire feelings of warmth and sunshine to help us get through the rest of winter.
Gotta go get ready for a doctor's appointment, but I think I'll take my laptop and post from Costa Rica since I'll probably be spending a good amount of time on my own. I want to take advantage of the time away from home to clear my head and examine my goals for this coming year and create some journal pages to illustrate them. So, here's looking forward to having lots of pretties to share. We all need a bit of pretty during these dull, cold months. And I don't even live somewhere cold, like Minnesota or Wisconsin. Ugh, I can't imagine!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Just the tip
My apologies to my loyal readers... er, reader? Well, no matter. The week presented a host of new challenges resulting in hand surgery where they (people with scalpels and anesthesia) took part of my finger. The correct term is amputated, but I just say "took" because the word "amputation" is scary sounding. Freaks people out. Freaks me out. Anyhow, on Tuesday I go back to the surgeon so he can remove the dressing and I'll get to see my newly shortened index finger. Kinda weird.
Part of me wants to mourn the loss of my fingertip and lament, "Why me? Why do I have to have some crazy autoimmune diseases like Raynaud's and Scleroderma and PBC? What did I do to deserve this?" But that only lasts about a minute and I recognize it's only a fingertip, not my legs or an arm or even my hand and my boyfriend isn't so shallow that he'll dump me because my right index finger is strangely short. And I am so incredibly blessed to have great health insurance that allows me to see some of the best doctors and specialists around that will hopefully have me back on the path to health real soon. And of course, I am so, so, so grateful for my family that has been praying for me through every doctor's visit and mri and "procedure" and hospital stay and surgery. They give me strength and courage knowing I am not in this alone. And my friends that send flowers and well wishes and my amazing boyfriend that has never once wavered (at least in front of me) in his commitment, even when the diagnoses have been scarily unknown and cast an eerie shadow over the future. I could not be more supported and cared for. And my mother, my amazing mother. I don't have the words to express how she has been here for me- strong and positive and optimistic and faithful and caring and understanding and everything I need and nothing I don't. I absolutely do not know what kind of shape I'd be in without her. And my dad, who loves me and my mom and my dog and even my boyfriend so much I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for us. I quickly remember all of these things and I pray for all the people who are suffering and fighting similar battles- and scarier ones, but they're doing it alone or while they're also raising a family and managing a career. I can't imagine the strength it takes and I know I'm the luckiest girl around.
All these things are what's been on my mind over the last week- at least in my moments of clarity, when I'm not in some drug induced haze. And unfortunately my dominant hand is the one buried under a splint and half a pound of bandages so no journaling or making of anything lately. But I think tomorrow I will do some drawing exercises with my left hand. I've been meaning to work on being ambidextrous anyway. In fact, I'm surprised how quickly I can type with only my left hand!
Hopefully my hand will heal quickly and my doctors will get me on all the right meds so that my body will stop trying to hurt itself and start working towards health. In the meantime, my friend C-note has given me a temporary honorary membership to the Lefty's Club of the Greater United States and I plan on wearing that thing out! Thanks Cris!
Part of me wants to mourn the loss of my fingertip and lament, "Why me? Why do I have to have some crazy autoimmune diseases like Raynaud's and Scleroderma and PBC? What did I do to deserve this?" But that only lasts about a minute and I recognize it's only a fingertip, not my legs or an arm or even my hand and my boyfriend isn't so shallow that he'll dump me because my right index finger is strangely short. And I am so incredibly blessed to have great health insurance that allows me to see some of the best doctors and specialists around that will hopefully have me back on the path to health real soon. And of course, I am so, so, so grateful for my family that has been praying for me through every doctor's visit and mri and "procedure" and hospital stay and surgery. They give me strength and courage knowing I am not in this alone. And my friends that send flowers and well wishes and my amazing boyfriend that has never once wavered (at least in front of me) in his commitment, even when the diagnoses have been scarily unknown and cast an eerie shadow over the future. I could not be more supported and cared for. And my mother, my amazing mother. I don't have the words to express how she has been here for me- strong and positive and optimistic and faithful and caring and understanding and everything I need and nothing I don't. I absolutely do not know what kind of shape I'd be in without her. And my dad, who loves me and my mom and my dog and even my boyfriend so much I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for us. I quickly remember all of these things and I pray for all the people who are suffering and fighting similar battles- and scarier ones, but they're doing it alone or while they're also raising a family and managing a career. I can't imagine the strength it takes and I know I'm the luckiest girl around.
All these things are what's been on my mind over the last week- at least in my moments of clarity, when I'm not in some drug induced haze. And unfortunately my dominant hand is the one buried under a splint and half a pound of bandages so no journaling or making of anything lately. But I think tomorrow I will do some drawing exercises with my left hand. I've been meaning to work on being ambidextrous anyway. In fact, I'm surprised how quickly I can type with only my left hand!
Hopefully my hand will heal quickly and my doctors will get me on all the right meds so that my body will stop trying to hurt itself and start working towards health. In the meantime, my friend C-note has given me a temporary honorary membership to the Lefty's Club of the Greater United States and I plan on wearing that thing out! Thanks Cris!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Monday, Monday
Oh, I'm so tired. Been fooling around on the internet too long. I had a coffee this afternoon and I think that might be the reason I'm still sitting here. Perhaps through all these health- shall we call them "adventures"- I am cleansing my system of the monumental buildup of caffeine from the last 15 years and as a result am becoming less immune to the effects of coffee, redbull and espresso. Hmmm, perhaps.
I really just wanted to check in and say hello and that I'm still here. This weekend did not go as planned, I ended up dealing with a lot of pain in my right hand which resulted in an increase in pain killers which resulted in a decrease of accomplishments. Very frustrating. However, God willing, my situation is only temporary and I am reminded of all those people who live with chronic pain- Everyday- and are forced to live out their daily lives in what I can only imagine must be an exhausting, thick fog of drug-altered consciousness. My heart goes out to them and once more I am grateful for all the many blessings in my life and the amazing doctors and specialists I have the privilege of seeing that are working to figure out this "auto-immune thing" and conquer it once and for all. And I just can't explain how I lucked out to be surrounded by the most loving and understanding and supportive family and friends and boyfriend that a girl could ask for. If any of you are reading this: I love you so much and I will never fully be able to express to you how much it fills me up to know I am in your prayers or to hear of the well wishes you've sent or see the card in my mailbox or the flowers on my bedside table. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you.
Forecast for tomorrow: A jewelry giveaway! Creative EveryDay update! And a sneak peek at some journal work I've been doing!
I really just wanted to check in and say hello and that I'm still here. This weekend did not go as planned, I ended up dealing with a lot of pain in my right hand which resulted in an increase in pain killers which resulted in a decrease of accomplishments. Very frustrating. However, God willing, my situation is only temporary and I am reminded of all those people who live with chronic pain- Everyday- and are forced to live out their daily lives in what I can only imagine must be an exhausting, thick fog of drug-altered consciousness. My heart goes out to them and once more I am grateful for all the many blessings in my life and the amazing doctors and specialists I have the privilege of seeing that are working to figure out this "auto-immune thing" and conquer it once and for all. And I just can't explain how I lucked out to be surrounded by the most loving and understanding and supportive family and friends and boyfriend that a girl could ask for. If any of you are reading this: I love you so much and I will never fully be able to express to you how much it fills me up to know I am in your prayers or to hear of the well wishes you've sent or see the card in my mailbox or the flowers on my bedside table. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you.
Forecast for tomorrow: A jewelry giveaway! Creative EveryDay update! And a sneak peek at some journal work I've been doing!
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