Let it flow

Hi Everyone,

I'm feeling very emotional right now, so this probably isn't the best time to post, but I've been waiting for the right time to post since March and we can see how well that went. I'm emotional because it's been a long week full of therapy (for my hands) and doctors and not-so-good news about my "condition". And I'm tired. I'm so tired of being sick. I just want to be normal again. I want my hands to feel warm and strong instead of painful and weak. I suppose I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. And scared. I'm scared I won't ever get better. That this is how it will always be- everything revolving around the current health crisis and all the doctors and treatments that we're hoping will work. And I'm scared that at some point the people I love will get tired of all this just like I do and will begin to fade away into the names of people I "used to know".

So this is real. This is the real me. No front of endless optimism and strength and self reliance. Although most of the time I am filled with faith and hope and gratitude that I have wonderful doctors and medical professionals treating me and amazing family and friends that support me and pray for me, right now I feel very small and scared. And that's so hard to admit. But it's the truth. A friend, a dear friend, told me that I need to be more open with my heart and emotions and that will help me heal on the inside and the outside. So this is me trying. Trying to be honest and open about the parts of me that I don't let others see. I know it is possible for my body to heal itself- I know it deep down in my heart- and will pursue every avenue that can aid in that healing... including sharing my emotions, if that is on the pathway to good health. Having said that, my intention isn't for this blog to become my own personal pity party, but perhaps I will share more of the spectrum of emotions I'm going through. I'm not sure what that will accomplish, but maybe someone will read my words and realize they're not alone, or maybe my friends will feel better connected to me, or maybe it will just allow me to feel lighter without carrying around extra negativity. Who knows? Either way, someone will benefit. I'm sure of it.

As for an update on my life, I go to hyperbaric therapy everyday for 3-4 hours. I had another surgery last week, this time on my left hand. This time I have 3 new scars- one's even zig-zag. Kinda cool. Unfortunately, once the doctor opened up my palm he realized there was not much he could do because I just have so few and such small blood vessels in my hands. Surgically he's done all he can besides removing the finger (because it's causing so much pain). The rhuematologist has changed my medicine in an effort to improve the circulation and hopefully keep the necrosis from spreading more and me losing my finger- or a bigger part of it. I hope that it works.

Alright, I must retire for the evening. More tomorrow.
xoxo