Just the tip

My apologies to my loyal readers... er, reader? Well, no matter. The week presented a host of new challenges resulting in hand surgery where they (people with scalpels and anesthesia) took part of my finger. The correct term is amputated, but I just say "took" because the word "amputation" is scary sounding. Freaks people out. Freaks me out. Anyhow, on Tuesday I go back to the surgeon so he can remove the dressing and I'll get to see my newly shortened index finger. Kinda weird.

Part of me wants to mourn the loss of my fingertip and lament, "Why me? Why do I have to have some crazy autoimmune diseases like Raynaud's and Scleroderma and PBC? What did I do to deserve this?" But that only lasts about a minute and I recognize it's only a fingertip, not my legs or an arm or even my hand and my boyfriend isn't so shallow that he'll dump me because my right index finger is strangely short. And I am so incredibly blessed to have great health insurance that allows me to see some of the best doctors and specialists around that will hopefully have me back on the path to health real soon. And of course, I am so, so, so grateful for my family that has been praying for me through every doctor's visit and mri and "procedure" and hospital stay and surgery. They give me strength and courage knowing I am not in this alone. And my friends that send flowers and well wishes and my amazing boyfriend that has never once wavered (at least in front of me) in his commitment, even when the diagnoses have been scarily unknown and cast an eerie shadow over the future. I could not be more supported and cared for. And my mother, my amazing mother. I don't have the words to express how she has been here for me- strong and positive and optimistic and faithful and caring and understanding and everything I need and nothing I don't. I absolutely do not know what kind of shape I'd be in without her. And my dad, who loves me and my mom and my dog and even my boyfriend so much I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for us. I quickly remember all of these things and I pray for all the people who are suffering and fighting similar battles- and scarier ones, but they're doing it alone or while they're also raising a family and managing a career. I can't imagine the strength it takes and I know I'm the luckiest girl around.

All these things are what's been on my mind over the last week- at least in my moments of clarity, when I'm not in some drug induced haze. And unfortunately my dominant hand is the one buried under a splint and half a pound of bandages so no journaling or making of anything lately. But I think tomorrow I will do some drawing exercises with my left hand. I've been meaning to work on being ambidextrous anyway. In fact, I'm surprised how quickly I can type with only my left hand!

Hopefully my hand will heal quickly and my doctors will get me on all the right meds so that my body will stop trying to hurt itself and start working towards health. In the meantime, my friend C-note has given me a temporary honorary membership to the Lefty's Club of the Greater United States and I plan on wearing that thing out! Thanks Cris!